RESOURCES
Allies
10 Ways to be an Ally
What Do I Do If Someone Comes Out To Me?
Glossary of terms
Resources for allies
10 Ways to be an Ally
- Be a listener.
- Be open-minded.
- Be willing to talk.
- Be inclusive and invite LGBT friends to hang out with your friends and family.
- Don't assume that all your friends and co-workers are straight. Someone close to you could be looking for support in their coming-out process. Not making assumptions will give them the space they need.
- Homophobic comments and jokes are harmful. Let your friends, family and co-workers know that you find them offensive.
- Confront your own prejudices and homophobia, even if it is uncomfortable to do so.
- Defend your LGBT friends against discrimination.
- Believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect.
- Have patience and a good sense of humor.
What Do I Do if Someone Comes Out to Me?
- Listen. Coming out takes a lot of courage and may be the culmination of months or years of personally coming to terms with one's sexual orientation or gender identity. The person shares this information with a keen understanding of the risks involved. It may also be the case that this person simply wants to include you in their life and share something personal about themselves.
- Remain neutral and non-judgmental. This is especially important when dealing with people who are just coming out. There is no way for the person to predict your reaction accurately. You may have spent your entire life in a society that teaches you to despise LGBT people. They've come to you because they trust you! This things you say or do can have a very strong impact on this person. This exchange of intimate information should not be seen as an opportunity for you to advance a particular way of life or discuss the moral ramifications of sexual identity.
- Ask sensitive questions and be willing to learn. Avoid asking questions that imply that there is something wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (e.g., "What do you think caused your sexual orientation? How can you live a normal life?"). Also, avoid asking questions that would have been considered rude within the relationship before this disclosure; this person has the same sensibilities as before. Some good questions to ask are:
- How long have you known?
- Is there someone special?
- Has it been hard for you to keep this secret?
- Is there some way I can help you?
- Have I offended you unknowingly?
- Be supportive. Let them know that you are there to talk with, or just as someone who will listen. For people just coming out, they may not be aware of resources available to them, or they may not feel comfortable approaching other people about the subject. You don't need to be an expert on the subject to be supportive, just remember to remain open-minded!
- Help this person recognize her or her own self-oppressive beliefs (e.g., "I'll never be able to have kids").
- Don't ignore it. When a person chooses to come out to you, it may be because they are tired of living in secrecy. Not being able to tell anyone can be very frustrating. Make an effort to take an interest in this part of their life.
- Don't make their sexual orientation or gender identity the extent of your interactions. While it is important to acknowledge and validate a person's sexual orientation, it is not necessary to let this topic dominate your interactions. It is important to remember that the person has not changed. You may be shocked by their revelation, but remember that this is still the same person as before.
- Be honest and open. It is okay to admit that you don't know everything, or even anything. It is also okay to admit feeling uncomfortable with this subject. Be honest though! Your own discomfort with the subject may come across as discomfort with the person or their sexual orientation or gender identity. If someone who has become out to you wants detailed information or is in need of more in-depth counseling, it is perfectly acceptable to suggest that they speak with someone more educated on the subject.
Glossary of Terms
- Bisexual – A person emotionally, romantically, sexually and relationally attracted to both men and women, though not necessarily simultaneously; a bisexual person may not be equally attracted to both sexes, and the degree of attraction may vary as sexual identity develops over time.
- Coming Out – The process in which a person first acknowledges, accepts and appreciates his or her sexual orientation or gender identity and begins to share that with others.
- Gay – A word describing a man or a woman who is emotionally, romantically, sexually and relationally attracted to members of the same sex.
- Gender Expression – How a person behaves, appears or presents him- or herself with regard to societal expectations of gender.
- Gender Identity – The gender role that a person claims for his or her self — which may or may not align with his or her physical gender.
- LGBT – An acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender.”
- Homophobia – The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are attracted to members of the same sex.
- Internalized Homophobia –Self-identification of societal stereotypes by a LGBT person, causing them to dislike and resent their sexual orientation or gender identity.
- Lesbian – A woman who is emotionally, romantically, sexually and relationally attracted to other women.
- Living Openly – A state in which LGBT people are open with others about being LGBT how and when they choose to be.
- Outing – Exposing someone’s sexual orientation as being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender to others, usually without their permission; in essence “outing” them from the closet.
- Queer – A term that is inclusive of people who are not heterosexual. For many LGBT people, the word has a negative connotation; however, many younger LGBT people are comfortable using it.
- Same-Gender Loving – A term some prefer to use instead of “gay” or “lesbian” to express attraction to and love of people of the same gender.
- Sexual Orientation – An enduring emotional, romantic, sexual and relational attraction to another person; may be a same-sex orientation, opposite-sex orientation or a bisexual orientation.
- Sexual Preference – What a person likes or prefers to do sexually; a conscious recognition or choice not to be confused with sexual orientation.
- Straight Supporter – A person who supports and honors sexual diversity, acts accordingly to challenge homophobic remarks and behaviors and explores and understands these forms of bias within him- or herself.
- Transgender – A term describing a broad range of people who experience and/or express their gender differently from what most people expect. It is an umbrella term that includes people who are transsexual, cross-dressers or otherwise gender non-conforming.
- Transphobia – the fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people whose gender identity or gender expression do not conform to cultural gender norms.
- Transsexual – A medical term describing people whose gender and sex do not line up, and who often seek medical treatment to bring their body and gender identity into alignment.
Resources for Allies
Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD)
Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network (GLSEN)
